Re-reading what I wrote last night, and I am wracked with shame, and you guessed it GUILT!

I am honored to be a Mom. To have a little baby so dependent on me. To have someone love me so unconditionally that it chokes me up. To have someone to teach all the knowledge I have inside of my little brain. To have someone to hope for. To have someone to have dreams for. To have a life that I made, living and breathing and thriving and growing on the outside.

Recently, Mister Man and I went through another miscarriage. It was totally unplanned. And the end result was a 'chemical pregnancy'. Which means while I had the BFP (big fat positive) and all the symptoms of pregnancy, I was in fact not pregnant. Which boggles my mind. How can you feel something like that, and it not even be true. It makes me wonder. It makes me question. It makes me realize that this world and life and everything that goes with it, very fragile, very scary, and very precious.

That is why I hold the guilt of my previous entry. But I will not be bogged down by guilt and these feelings that are born of my own crazy thoughts.

Being pregnant, but not really, makes me realize how much I want a house full of children. I don't care if I can't afford them. I don't care if I am stretched so thin I can't think of any where to hide from it all. I don't care if my parents and his parents and my grandparents and my friends think I am crazy. I don't care if we live in this one bedroom apartment for the rest of our lives. (ok I do care about that one.)

But then realizing I want a house full of children to love, makes me realize things like my last entry and makes me wonder if I am really even cut out for this Motherhood thing. Maybe I should just take stock of what I got, the most amazing kid ever, and be happy with that. Maybe I should make sure he has the best of everything that I can provide and 'cut my losses'. Does that saying even fit in this case?