Is that Poop?

Frozen in Grand Central Station

2009-01-05T21:11:00.000-08:00

It must be Wednesday.

2008-12-31T12:40:00.000-08:00

It must be, one of those days that I actually have off from work, and I actually have time to sit down and look at my poor pathetic blog, and make a mental note to myself that I will make time to blog every night, I will make time to find humorous things to say and blah blah blah.

Yeah so.

It is New Year's Eve. Or NYE...I saw that as an abbreviation somewhere, and seriously I don't know if I am just stupid or slow, or if I just don't think in acroynyms, or what, but I couldn't get it for like 2 days. Then out of no where I was like OHHH, NYE= New Year's Eve. Whatever.

Anyhow, it's NYE, and people keep asking me what I am doing? What am I doing? Seriously? I am almost 7 months pregnant, with a 15 month old at home, who has to work tomorrow at 7am. What do you think I am doing? Downing a fifth of Jack, while making out with my lover at the top of the Motel 6? No, not really. I will more than likely have Subway for dinner, because I got one of those 20 dollar gift cards from my MIL, and then I will feed the demon, bathe the demon, put the demon to bed, and then iron my clothes, wash the dishes, and take my grande pregnant ass to bed. Sorry folks, I am boring. Sue me. Or rather, don't, we don't have anything.

Wondering what's been going on in my life lately? Me too, find out and let me know.

I'll be posting little updates throughout the day, just wanted to jump on and let you know that I was alive, if anyone cares, and that I will be back.

Happy New Year's to all you fine folk, and I hope your Christmas, and other various holidays that people celebrate during the holiday season were all wonderful.

Life just seems so unfair

2008-12-03T12:55:00.000-08:00

**Warning** I am in one of those moods. The bitter, angry, I am just going to say it and not care what anyone thinks moods.

Firstly- I work full time waiting on tables. I work on average, 9-10 hours a day. Monday's are usually shorter days. But I work 5 days a week. I pay for my health insurance for myself, my kid, Mister Man, out of my paycheck. This adds up to $748 a month in health insurance. Being that I work mainly for tips, my paycheck doesn't amount to much of anything after the health insurance is taken out. Mister Man, has yet to see a doctor. I see a doctor once a month, due to the Bean, and my thyroid condition. Bear sees the doctor, what every couple months? I feel that the health insurance is worth it for my Bear. I like his doctor, I like how they take care of him, and they make me feel like he is healthy and I am doing something right. I like my female doctor, I like my Primary doctor. I like the fact that they make me healthy, or make me feel like I am healthy.

Here's the catch. NEVER EVER go to the emergency room, if you have a deductible plan. NEVER EVER go to the emergency room, if you have a plan that last year used to be good, but this year, your boss tried to save some money on his premiums, got your work place a plan that royally screws over the paying people.

Back in September, I went to the emergency room. I had been puking my guts up, and having other problems, for like 7 hours. I was not able to keep anything down. As soon as I drank something, up it would come within seconds. I was scared. I was newly pregnant, and the thought of depriving my developing child of much needed nutrients, made me even more sick. So off I went. In my haze, the attendant, told me that my co-pay would be $180. No big deal right? I wrote out the check, illegibly, I am sure.

Fast forward a month later. I get a bill in the mail. For $330. OK. Some charges that I was unaware of, something I obviously didn't read in my EoC.(estimate of charges, or something). No big deal. Big deal was, the date is was due, was 3 days after I got the bill. OK, waa?! Whatever, we'll eat beans this week. No big deal, right?

Wrong.

Today, in the mail, I received another bill. This one for $820. W T F??

Apparently, the emergency room doctors get paid, and then the ER itself gets paid.

FOR WHAT?! 3 bags of IV fluid, and a shot that helped me not throw up for 12 hours. Please.

So I called the Insurance Company. The lady that helped me, was very nice, and kind. Explained everything to me in a voice that helped me not react the way I thought I was going to react. Helped me understand that my boss is a major jerkface who only cares about himself. Like I needed that revelation.

Anyhow, yeah. I have some other things that I will be posting here soon, to keep up the reader, or readers, or whatever. I have some pictures to share, some other nice thoughts to share and some Tags to do. I haven't been able to keep up lately with anything, but I will solve the thirst of my mind in just a sec.

Crazy Eights!

2008-12-03T12:53:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Anna for tagging me! Sorry it's late, but better late than never. (that's starting to become to motto of my life.)

8 TV shows I love to watch
1- Jon and Kate +8 (even though Kate drives me crazy)
2- Little People, Big World (even though the Dad drives me crazy)
3- Iron Chef
4- Ugly Betty
5- Wife Swap
6- Hell's Kitchen
7- Kitchen Nightmares
8- Super Nanny

8 Places I love to eat
1- my kitchen
2- Jack in the Box
3- Olive Garden
4- Red Robin
5- work- Stacks' Restaurant
6- Fresh Choice
7- McDonald's (every once in a while)
8- Taco Bell

8 Things that happened yesterday
1- I woke up at 5am, totally refreshed after 9 hours of sleep
2- I went to the grocery store.
3- First night since Thanksgiving that we didn't eat turkey!
4- I turned my computer on for the first time in a week.
5- Discovered a new bruise on my kids arm, that looks like it REALLY hurt, but he's like eh...
6- Stayed up til 11pm, which never happens!
7- Thought about having relations with Mister Man, but decided not to, the thought is what counts right?!
8- Wore my jacket! Brrr!

8 Things I look forward to
1- Jack coming!
2- Seeing how Jack and Bear get along!
3- My 'vacation' when I have Jack.
4- Getting our Christmas tree.
5- Moving!
6- Seeing Twilight with Irene next week.
7- Rereading Twilight.
8- Laying down for a nap later.

8 Things I love about Fall
1- That much closer to Christmas.
2- Family not arguing on Thanksgiving
3- How colorful everything gets
4- Leaves everywhere
5- The way hats look on Bear
6- How it gets dark earlier
7- It's not hot anymore!
8- this fall I love being 5-6 months preggo, so I can wear all the cute preggo clothes there are out there for cold weather.

8 Things on my wish list
1- To have our own house.
2- Raise 2 healthy and respectful children
3- World peace?!
4- Money enough to not worry about things.
5- For my XH to die in a fire (haha, jk, kinda)
6- A happy and healthy pregnancy
7- For Mister Man to wash the dishes without me asking him
8- More time in the day

TAG YOU'RE IT!! Please play, its fun!!
Melissa
Jess
Danielle
I don't have enough friends that haven't already done this! So, oh well. If you read and want to play, do it, and I will link it here as well.

<3

Lately

2008-11-10T19:06:00.000-08:00

*big breath*

lately things have been so hectic. and exhausting and busy and just plain life i suppose, right? life is that way.

monday and tuesday this week are a 'holiday' weekend for the rest of the working class. this does not make it a 'holiday' for the real working class. i have been dealing with the 'amateur' diners that frequent the restaurant on days of the week they have off. these totally include the majority of people that never go out, and decide, hey! let's go out. these people have to be the most demanding, the most rude, the biggest pains in the asses ever. and yet, i wear my smile, i wear my badge, i wear my stupid ugly work shirt, every single day. the money is good. i can't complain. this whole week so far has almost paid the rent. but man, the hours seem like double. ah well thus is life. one more day til the 'weekend' for me.

i can't seem to find the time to write as much as i would like. and that makes me sad. i think of all these awesome things i want to tell you, reader, but, by the time the day is over and we are fed and bathed, i am passing out on the couch, trying to stay awake so i can watch 'ugly betty'. laugh all you want, i love that show.

the biggest news lately in my life?

we are having a boy! the ultrasound was amazing. of course i have pictures, but i need to find the time to upload them and show them all to you. the tech was the same tech that did my ultrasound with Bear, and she remembered me. i went alone, mister man was not so inclined to go this time. apparently child #2, is not that big of a deal as child #1. whatever. i got over it, as soon as i saw my new little man. he is beautiful! right away, the tech, asked me if i wanted to know what he was, and i was like, heck yes! she said, well there's his penis, he's showing it off right now. ha. i got a great penis shot. a shot every single mom should have eh? then we spent, 20 minutes just checking my new little buddy out. he was practicing breathing, and you could see every single little vertabrae moving as he was taking his 'breaths'. it was really neat.

in other news, Bear was tigger for halloween. he had to be the cutest little tigger i have ever seen. when i got home from work that day, he was hiding from me behind the recliner, and when i walked in, he jumped out, and i just about died. he was so cute. those pictures are again on my camera, awaiting upload.

i promise i will share all these lovely memories with you later. right now, mister man has made some pork chops and potatoes, i am hungry!

oh, ps, i get my first tooth pulled tomorrow. had an abcess, and i am totally dreading it. wish me luck.

Baby Names

2008-10-24T17:48:00.000-07:00

I made a post about this the other day, but deleted it, because the stupid Baby Name voting website that I found through Anna, wasn't working right. It updated my blog, but when people came to read, yeah, nothing was there. Sorry.

We find out what our Bean is, in 12 days. I can NOT wait. I have been dreaming of boys, I have been dreaming of girls. I have been dreaming of twins.

It is not twins. That much has been confirmed.

My closest friends swear I am having a girl. I think...well, let me say what every mother needs to say...

I don't care what she/he is. As long as she/he is healthy.

Now let's be real.

I want a boy. (You know when I first wrote that, it came out girl, even though I was in my head thinking boy, what does that mean?!)

I saw some cute pictures of little girls, that made me want to have a girl. But then I thought about it again, and I really want another little boy.

Why, you ask?

My Bear, is like the angel baby. He loves me so much, he is so well behaved, he is so sweet, he is truly AMAZING!

I am convinced if this baby is a girl, she will be an absolute terror. She will be drama from the time she comes into the world. Not that I can't handle drama. I can. Lord knows, my life has been filled to the extreme with drama. But, yeah, NO.

That is not at all to say that if this baby turns out to be a girl, I won't love her with all my heart, I just think a whole new list of worries, comes a long with raising a little girl. I don't even want to think of those yet.

So anyway, the point.

If we are having a girl- we have picked Adeline Chandler.
If we are having a boy- we are torn, well, Mister Man is insisting on Darth, and I say Hell no, I like Jack Chandler, I like Jacob, I like John. Chandler will be the middle name, after my Papa, my Uncle, my 2 cousins. Chandler can be a girls or a boys name yeah? I actually like Jack John Chandler , but everyone says that Jack is a form of John and that is just dumb. Do you think?

Anyway, for now, I call the baby Bean. Mister Man calls the baby Darth.

Wordless Thursday

2008-10-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

Birthday Pictures

2008-10-11T10:41:00.000-07:00

All my fun signatures

2008-10-10T14:05:00.000-07:00

On the OBBC- Old Babycenter, you could have these cool things at the bottom of your posts called signatures, siggies, etc. They were neat ways you could show people your growing kid, clue them into your birthday, your due date, your kids birthday, something people would remember you by.

Sadly, the NBBC- New Babycenter, does not do these things. It takes up a lot of room, and blah blah blah. Maybe sometime in the future, but somehow I seriously doubt that this is a concern of theirs to get with and fix anytime soon.

I used to be a signature junkie. I got them once a month maybe. And I would like to put them all to rest in one last grand showing.

Without further ado-

My very first signature- it was animated! very cool effect!

Then I won a contest over at SiggieTown.com and all the designers there made me special signatures. I wish I would have submitted better pictures for them to use, but they turned out great.

Thank you to all the talented designers at HotGraphics.com, SiggieTown.com, ParfaitDesigns, and many other websites that do this for people. I love each and every one of them.

I may get one more done to just get it done. Who knows.

Wordless Thursday

2008-10-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Bear...One Year.

2008-10-05T12:34:00.000-07:00

Today you are a whole year old.

Last night as I checked on you before I went to bed, your little butt all up in the air as you slept, I got a little weepy. Sad eh? I just can't believe that a whole year of our lives has passed so quickly. I know I say this, or have said this, the EVERY 5th of the month, but it seems like yesterday that you just came to us. Like we just found out we were even having you.

Whew- OK I am done crying.

This past month - You got 3 new teeth! The top ones should be so cute when they finally all come in. You, again, handled it with ease, a little grumpiness for a few days, and boom there they were. This makes 5 total teeth now at one year.

You also got your first haircut. Courtesy of me. I just intended to cut your bangs and I couldn't stop. You had a lot of hair that really needed trimmed. You handled it well, at first. But, soon it became a contest of wills, and you won. I finished it over the course of a couple of days. But, I can honestly say, that I didn't do all that terrible of a job. And if you can believe it, you look even more handsome than you already are.

You love to read books. Any and all. I catch you sometimes when you are playing by yourself, just sitting and reading, looking at a book. Your favorite book right now, is Boomer's Magic Tail. It's an Easter book, but it makes you so happy to read it. You also love Brown Bear, Brown Bear, and The Hungry Caterpillar.

You still love Go, Diego, Go. And Yo Gabba Gabba. It is not a show, that I would pick for you to watch, but I guess that's the thing about kids, you pick what you like.

We just transitioned to regular milk. It wasn't all that hard. You love your bottle. We will work on getting rid of the bottle, but it's not at the top of my list at the moment.

We celebrated your birthday at the San Francisco Zoo. We saw all sorts of animals, and you really enjoyed yourself I think. It was kind of hard to point out everything to you, but you were good, and seemed to love it. When we got to the bears, there was one bear right up next to the glass, and you looked at him, pointed and said OOOHH! You were so entranced by that bear. When I told you it was a bear, you look confused, almost, like, 'Wait, I'm a Bear!" It was cute. We had lunch, came home and had a cake with your Grandma, and Uncle Keith. You really enjoyed the cake.

Bear, Tommy, Son, I am so proud of you. So proud of everything you have learned, so proud of everything you have done, said, and become. I am so proud of everything you will be. I am so proud that you are my son. I love you more than words can every express, and I don't know that I will ever be able to tell you, show you how much you mean to me.

Happy Birthday Tommy Bear!!!

Love,
Mommy

ps- pictures later, Mommy is tired lately.

Dreams

2008-09-16T17:18:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine reminded me that I needed to keep up on my blog. It's true. I sit and read others Blogs every day. Some are so interesting. Some are cheesy, some are lame. Some I can't stay away from. I think mine falls in the cheesy to almost lame category. I mean what is so interesting about my life. I am a server, who works 45 hours a week, living with Mister Man, who does NOTHING all day long, but take care of my Bear. I play video games, I read, I scrapbook, I sit at my computer and play word games on Facebook. I talk on the phone a lot to my friend Irene. I lead a pretty boring life.

Oooh. I know.

I had this crazy dream the other night. When I am pregnant, I dream all these crazy things. Very detailed, very vivid, totally in color. So real like. Usually I dream about work, being in the weeds, can't ever catch up, customers yelling at me, blah blah blah.

The other night, I dreamt about a man. A very rich man. And I was like his party planner or something. And I was falling in love with him. It was totally out of a romance book. He told me at the start of the relationship for me NOT to fall in love with him because he was NOT falling in love with me, not with anyone. And that was A- OK with me. So on the dream went. I threw these lavish wonderful parties with him. I remember ordering the food, the champagne, the flowers. One night, I was with him on this balcony type thing. But it was a shower. Or something. We were wet and naked. And I was falling in love with this guy. I felt it. It felt so real. And stupid me, told him. And he was like, no way, I told you. No love. So now, we have to spend time apart. You can still plan my parties, but that's it.

That's it?!

In my dream, I was determined to have him back. I would win him by appearing not interested. He would fall in love with me. HE WOULD DAMMIT! I planned the best parties, I wore the hottest gowns. I looked the best of all the women at the parties, all the while trying to ignore him and make him want me. Ya see, reverse psychology right?

Wrong. He moved on. To other women, and other women. And I was alone. All alone. But at the end, right before my alarm went off, I realized that I was OK without him.

What do you think all that means?! Am I crazy!?

Fun

2008-09-15T16:19:00.000-07:00

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

11 months, Happy Birthday

2008-09-05T10:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Bear,

Today you are 11 months old. I can't believe it. Where did the time go?

This past month has been filled with pretty much of the same old stuff. You are walking more and more. You can walk the whole length of the bedroom and will walk anywhere when YOU want to. Not when I want you to, but only when you want to. You still think crawling is much faster and that is OK with me. I went to look for shoes for your fat little feet, alas, none would fit. What are we going to do about that?

You absolutely refuse to eat baby food. You only want to feed yourself. You love fruit, you love green beans, you love chicken, and pasta, you love gummy bears! You still hate peas. But I won't hold that one against you.

You desperately need a hair cut. But I can't bring myself to do it. A friend of mine told me to start stroking it in the ways I want it to lay, and I started doing that in hopes of taming it. But I think your hair has a mind of its own. Kind of like your dad.

You love Go Diego Go. We bought you a DVD of it, and you dance and sing and jump around when it is on. It keeps you entertained for about 5 minutes. And then when the Rescue Pack song comes on you are entranced. I never seen a little one so love something so silly. I bought you your own Rescue Pack, but since the batteries don't work on it, you just cart it around putting stuff in it. It is really cute.

I think you may be ready to be potty trained, even though it really is too soon. I mean, who heard of an 11 month old potty trained. But when you are wet or dirty you try to take off your diaper, and will grab a new one right away to us. It's cute, but the couple of times that you have taken it off in your crib, are not cute. I think I am going to buy a little potty and see what happens. Who knows. Maybe by the time your brother or sister come you'll be all potty trained. How awesome would that be?

Soon, your friend Isabella will be old enough to play with at the park. And I know you can't wait for that. I think you like our Wednesday breakfast out just because of Isabella. You like to touch her face and hug her. She is still a little afraid of you, but I think because she is so little. Both of her feet together don't measure up to one of yours. Which is funny. Your little cream puff feet.

I love you Tommy Bear. I think you are the most handsomest, kindest, cutest, wonderfullest kid I have ever met. I love you to pieces.

Love, Mommy.

ps-pictures later.

9 weeks

2008-08-28T20:12:00.000-07:00

Went today for my very first REAL doctor's appointment. Went well. My blood pressure was a little high at the start, but she thought maybe I was just nervous. Checked after we were done and everything was OK. Got my first pictures of the Bean.

AND my first belly picture:

And just for fun, look who's walking.

Ugh, tired and miserably hot. It was 109* here today. Horrible. Not great for the queasy stomach either. They said today is the end of the heat wave. Here's to hoping.

Funny things we worry about

2008-08-20T23:22:00.000-07:00

It's funny the things we worry about. Or rather, wonder if we should be worrying about it.

When I was pregnant with Bear, I didn't even think about things like eating lunch meat, blue cheese dressing, feta cheese. I didn't worry about my laundry soap, my facial cleanser. I didn't worry about going in to my hair salon and getting my eyebrows waxed, or getting a facial. I didn't worry about a lot of things.

Don't get me wrong. I cared. I care. I worried about other things.

But it just makes me think. Should I be worrying about these things? Or is it just adding more worry and guilt already on a plate that is over flowing with too much crap as it is? Is my Neutrogena facial cleanser, and my pimple cream with salicylic acid going to hurt my baby? Is the 15 turkey sandwiches that my body seems to ONLY be able to eat, really going to give me listeria? Is my blue cheese pasteurized? Are the fumes at my hair salon going to cause damage to my unborn fetus?

I wonder if I should live in a plastic bubble. *what a great movie*

It just gets to be too much at times. I think I am going to eat another turkey sandwich, with feta. MMMmmm.

News

2008-08-12T17:12:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted since I thought we had miscarried. Since I was told I experienced a chemical pregnancy.

About a week after, I still felt pregnant. Still felt sick, still just had a feeling.

Went to the doctor and sure enough, I was and I am.

Woohoo! I am so happy/lucky that I did not go through with the D&C that they wanted me to have.

Our new bean is expected April 2nd. I will keep you faithful reader(s) updated, LOL.

Places I Have Lived and Why!?

2008-07-31T12:24:00.000-07:00

per Melissa in one of her comments, wanted a why of all the places I have lived. And the list is long.

Fort Myers, Florida
North Fort Myers, East Fort Myers, Cape Coral, Lehigh, Alva (yeah, does that even count as multiple cities?)
Wilmington, North Carolina
Galveston, Texas
Livingston, Texas
Wichita Falls, Texas
Gainesville, Florida
Camp Lejeune, North Carolina
Hubert, North Carolina
Cherry Point, North Carolina
Sunrise, Florida
New Richland, Minnesota
Campbell, California
San Jose, California

Fort Myers- well, I was born here. lived here until second grade...then we moved to..
Cape Coral, FL- lived here for like 2 months of 2nd grade, when my Step-Fathers job had us move to-
Wilmington, NC- I guess we lived here when I was a wee lass as well, as that is where my sister was born, but I don't remember it. we lived here until I was in the middle of 3rd grade. We eventually moved back to...
Fort Myers, FL- lived here, and numerous places around here (east side, north side, Cape Coral, Lehigh, Alva, etc) until I graduated. All the reasons we moved, I don't know. Many issues with my parents, and etc, my mom got divorced and we moved a lot.
Except- freshman year in high school- the first 3 months I lived in New Richland, MN!- IT was so cold here. I moved here with my grandmother when she decided to move closer to her mother who was ill. I could NOT bear to be away from her, so my family agreed that I could go with her. Lack of parental supervision, and lots of freedom, and just being an idiot caused me to go to the SADD (Students Against Drunk Driving) dance, totally wasted. And not just drunk, but passing out in the bathroom, in front of everyone and having to be rushed to the ER for alcohol poisoning. My grandmother sent me home not too long after that embarrassing episode.
Back to Fort Myers. to 1995- where I graduated high school.
Then to Gainseville, FL- the best city ever for college.

I decided to get married. (biggest mistake ever)
We moved to Camp Lejeune, NC- lived in Hubert, NC. Then we moved back to Florida. Back to Fort Myers. Then he (the ex) got a job in Sunrise, Florida. Then we separated and I ran away, to Wichita Falls, TX. And then to Livingston TX. And then back to Fort Myers- to try to make my marriage work. Then back to TX. Then, I met a guy online. Mister Man.

And I rode the Greyhound to San Jose, California. We lived in Campbell. And now we live on the outskirts of Campbell in actual San Jose.

Where I think I have found my home. I love it here and can't imagine my life anywhere else.

Well maybe one day. I'd like to live in Maine. That would be FUN!

I see I forgot Galveston- I lived there for a short while, can't even remember when or how long.

And Cherry Point- that was after my separation for a short month. Trying to forget that place to be honest.

I think that's it. Good times.

Second Thoughts

2008-07-31T12:15:00.001-07:00

Re-reading what I wrote last night, and I am wracked with shame, and you guessed it GUILT!

I am honored to be a Mom. To have a little baby so dependent on me. To have someone love me so unconditionally that it chokes me up. To have someone to teach all the knowledge I have inside of my little brain. To have someone to hope for. To have someone to have dreams for. To have a life that I made, living and breathing and thriving and growing on the outside.

Recently, Mister Man and I went through another miscarriage. It was totally unplanned. And the end result was a 'chemical pregnancy'. Which means while I had the BFP (big fat positive) and all the symptoms of pregnancy, I was in fact not pregnant. Which boggles my mind. How can you feel something like that, and it not even be true. It makes me wonder. It makes me question. It makes me realize that this world and life and everything that goes with it, very fragile, very scary, and very precious.

That is why I hold the guilt of my previous entry. But I will not be bogged down by guilt and these feelings that are born of my own crazy thoughts.

Being pregnant, but not really, makes me realize how much I want a house full of children. I don't care if I can't afford them. I don't care if I am stretched so thin I can't think of any where to hide from it all. I don't care if my parents and his parents and my grandparents and my friends think I am crazy. I don't care if we live in this one bedroom apartment for the rest of our lives. (ok I do care about that one.)

But then realizing I want a house full of children to love, makes me realize things like my last entry and makes me wonder if I am really even cut out for this Motherhood thing. Maybe I should just take stock of what I got, the most amazing kid ever, and be happy with that. Maybe I should make sure he has the best of everything that I can provide and 'cut my losses'. Does that saying even fit in this case?

Bad Mommy

2008-07-30T21:09:00.000-07:00

Does it make me a bad mommy, that I love to go to work?

Does it make me a bad mommy, that some nights, I can't wait for Bear's bedtime?

Does it make me a bad mommy, that some mornings that I have off, I pretend to not hear Bear when he wakes, so Mister Man has to get up?

Does it make me a bad mommy, that some nights, I wake Bear up because I miss him?

I am having that perpetual Mommy guilt. I love my kid. I love him to pieces. I still get choked sometimes when I think about him, or sometimes when I look at him. At how fast he is growing. At how fast things are changing. At how sometimes I just want some alone time.

I work 5 days a week, about 40-45 hours. Leaving the house before he gets up, and sometimes timing it that I get home right as he is going down for his afternoon nap, so I can have an hour or two to myself. Is that bad?

I don't know how Stay At Home Moms (SAHM's) do it. I don't. I am off two days a week. And I have total baby duty on those days. (I said 'duty' HA!) I love it most times. We eat breakfast together at my restaurant every Wednesday, we go to the park. We hug, we kiss, we read, we play, we swim, we laugh, we talk, we bond. Thursdays, we clean, and play and do all those things over again, minus the restaurant. Thursday night, I can't wait to go back to work. This makes me feel that guilt. I should want to stay at home. Raise my Bear. Be with him 24 hours a day. But I don't. I like leaving. I like coming home. I like spending the quality of time that we spend together.

And even though I work all those hours, and only have limited hours to spend with Bear, sometimes I feel so stretched thin, that I just want to be alone. Does this make any sense?

I'm sure this is just emotions talking. I know I am a good mama. My kid is smart, happy, growing, and thriving. He is loved, cherished, and wanted. This is my issue. And hopefully in the morning all this guilt I hold will be gone. Until next Thursday.

Win here.

2008-07-16T18:07:00.000-07:00

Babywearers check this out!

Win the Essential Babywearing Stash from Along for the Ride (one Beco Butterfly, one Hotsling baby pouch, one BabyHawk Mei Tai, one Zolowear Ring Sling, and one Gypsy Mama Wrap)

9 months old

2008-07-09T13:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy-
Today you are 9 months old. I honestly can't believe so much time has passed. It seems like yesterday we just brought you home!

This month has been an exciting one for you. You got your first tooth. It wasn't even all that bad. Like I thought it was going to be. One night of restless sleep, a little whining, and poof there it was. It is so cute. I don't want you to get any more. Just that one little Toof!

You are also pulling up on the furniture, attempting to walk, although I don't think you are quite ready to venture that first step alone. You like to stand up alone, without holding on to anything, and you will do so for long periods of time, until something grabs your attention.

You love waffles in the morning. You love ANY kind of food that you can pick yourself and eat. I have started taking you to my restaurant on Wednesday's to see other people and get used to places. You love all the attention.

You finally learned to clap too! You clap with your fists though, instead of open hands, and with that you HAVE to say "Yay" as you clap.

The last 9 months have been an absolute joy and I am so proud of you. I can't believe the love I have for you, and how much it grows daily. I am so proud to be your Mommy.

Here's to hoping for another wonderful 9 months.

I love you Bear, forever and ever.

Love Mommy.

I know this is late, but I did write it on the 5th.

Maisy

2008-06-29T18:40:00.000-07:00

This is Maisy the Cat.

I rescued her. About 5 years ago, a friend of mine at work said she had a cat that she wanted to give away to a good home. She said the cat was crying on her back fence for days, and had actually cried itself hoarse. The cat wanted to be an indoor cat, and she just did not want nor need an indoor cat. So after work one day, I decided to go check this cat out.

She was adorable. Immediately crawled in my lap and purred. She had no voice. When she meowed, nothing came out. It broke my heart. I took her home. Didn't even call to ask Mister Man.

Why would I have to ask Mister Man? Well, long story short, we were living with his Mom and brother, whom together had 4 cats. Maisy would be #5. We would become 'those' people. You know who I am talking about.

So, nervously, I brought her upstairs. Set her in the kitchen, Mister Man was in the bedroom. I walked in the room and stated, " I did something, don't be mad!" And brought him out to see Maisy.

He fell in love instantly. And here we are.

I still love her. Although, I will say she gets on my nerves more that Bear is here. She started digging in the trash and that pisses me off to no end. I threaten to throw her out all the time, but truth be told, I love her.

*side note* Bear can now stand up by himself from a sitting position without holding on to anything. Lord help us.

My very first ever tag!

2008-06-29T17:53:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by Melissa.

1) LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER. The Ruins. Some total cheesy horror flick. But it was my first night out since having Bear so it was awesome.

2) WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Always reading here, let's see... I am reading The Cleric Quintet R.A. Salvatore. It's a new one for me, one of the few of Salvatore's that I have yet to read. Loving it so far.

3) FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Scattergories, Rummicube, close tie.

4) FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Just one? Jane, Cosmo(horrible, I know), Parents.

5) FAVORITE SMELLS? This is going to sounds terrible. But I love the smell of a brand new Pamper Swaddlers. I don't know why, but I smell them every time, before it goes on Bear's booty. I also loooove the smell of Febreze. MMMmmmm.

6) FAVORITE SOUNDS? Bear's laughs, his sighs in the middle of the night. The beginning beats of any Rush song.

7) WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Getting caught! No just kidding. Hmm, I'll have to second Melissa in saying, disappointing someone you love.

8)WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN U WAKE UP? Is it really time to wake up?

9) FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE? Fresh Choice. I guess that's really not fast food. Burger King.

10) FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Adeline for girl, Andrew for boy.

11) FINISH THIS STATEMENT—"IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY I’d…stay at home with my kids and home school, and go on fantastic vacations. Give my kids everything I never had.

12) DO YOU DRIVE FAST? Never. I even made up a song about the Speed Limit. No offense lead foot's (yes I know, feet?) but the speed limit is there for a reason. Mister Man says I drive way too slow.

13) DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Does a body pillow count?

14) STORMS–COOL OR SCARY? Eh...whatever.

15) WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? An '84 Ford Bronco II. That I promptly wrecked.

16) FAVORITE DRINK? Coke

17) FINISH THIS STATEMENT-IF I HAD THE TIME I WOULD…go back to school and get a degree in something that really would help me get a better job. Political Science at the time sounded really good, but yeah, no help really in the real world.

18) DO YOU EAT THE STEMS ON BROCCOLI? I do, but I honestly can't tell you the last time I ate broccoli.

19) IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY OTHER COLOR, WHAT WOULD BE YOUR CHOICE? To be completely honest, I wouldn't. I love my hair color, and people tell me all the time how great my hair is. I have never colored it.

20) NAME ALL THE DIFFERENT CITIES/TOWNS YOU HAVE LIVED IN.
Oh man...ok
Fort Myers, Florida
North Fort Myers, East Fort Myers, Cape Coral, Lehigh, Alva (yeah, does that even count as multiple cities?)
Wilmington, North Carolina
Galveston, Texas
Livingston, Texas
Witchita Falls, Texas
Gainesville, Florida
Camp Lejeune, North Carolina
Hubert, North Carolina
Cherry Point, North Carolina
Sunrise, Florida
New Richland, Minnesota
Campbell, California
San Jose, California (hopefully will live here forever)

21) FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Soccer!

22) ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Melissa- I haven't really hung out or talked to you since college, but you are the nicest, sincerest, person I have met. Your boys are beautiful!

23) WHATS UNDER YOUR BED? Hmm, one sec. Ok, the doorway jumper thing, a red box full of crap, 5 hair ties, a pillow that I thought was missing, a bra.

24) WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE BORN AS YOURSELF AGAIN? Yes!

25) MORNING PERSON OR NIGHT OWL? On workdays, morning person. On weekends, night owl.

26) OVER EASY OR SUNNY SIDE UP? Over easy, ugh, I can't stand those eyeballs looking at me.

27) FAVORITE PLACE TO RELAX? Something about my Nana's house is so comforting, but she lives in Minnesota, that doesn't happen very often. I'd have to say in the bathroom with the door locked.

29) FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Pistachio, hands down the. BEST. Ice Cream. Ever. Period.

30) OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU HAVE TAGGED, WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST?
hmm...no idea. Danielle, if she hasn't done it?

Tag, you're it!
Danielle
Anna
Jess

Dirty Mess

2008-06-26T11:54:00.001-07:00

How does one house with 2 and a half people in it, get so dirty?

I'll tell you how. Mister Man leaves out his mess for someone else to clean up. That someone else being me. And it is really frustrating. I mean, seriously, you can't pick up your glasses of milk? That I have repeatedly asked you to pick up, because the cat will get into it and spill it, and then I have to clean up old yucky rotten milk off the carpet. ARGH!

Mister Man better straighten up his act, or I am calling the Salvation Army to come cart his ass away.

Teeth

2008-06-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

Who would have thought, there would be so much pride in your child getting his first tooth? I mean it's not like he invented the cure for cancer or, became CEO of some company, or even President. It's not like he took his first steps, said a complete sentence.

But I will tell you what.... I am proud.

You see...a bunch of other babies, that I hang out with, all have their teeth. Born about the same time as Bear. And it was starting to worry me that he didn't have any. Some of these babies even have 8 teeth! WOW!

The night it popped was a restless one. Bear awoke at an unnatural hour, and was sweet. A little whiny, a little restless, a little clingy. I didn't notice until the next day at lunch that he even had worked it up. And then we celebrated.

Sniff, my little man is growing up.

8 months

2008-06-05T10:13:00.000-07:00

It has been 8 months since Bear came into my life. Our life.

I can't believe how much time has passed. How big my little man has gotten. How perfect he is, how wonderful he makes me feel, how incredible life is.

When Bear was born, everything was such a surprise. The whole experience was surreal almost. But then he was here, and I was truly honestly amazed at how much love can fill your heart instantly.

Then they actually let us take him home! What were they thinking?! At the time, I was so scared and terrified and calm and in pain, I couldn't believe that they actually trusted us enough to be able to keep him happy, and fed, and alive. I know that sounds sad, but wow, what a scary thing to do.

And slowly but surely, we figured out what to do, I nursed him all the time. We kept him dry, he even slept a couple hours here and there.

One day turned into two, turned into a week, and then a month had passed by. He started to hold his head up better. He started to kind of smile at us. He ate and slept better. He was perfect.

His first bath was a treat. He loved it. It was chilly in the house, and I turned the heat on, put his towel in front of the heater to warm it up and he looked like he was in heaven. To this day, he really loves bath time.

I went back to work, when he was 6 weeks old. It was so hard. But coming home to see his smiles and hear what he did all day, and spend that time with him when I came home, was the absolute best. It totally made me appreciate every single second I spent with him. His first tummy time!

Then all the sudden he was 2 months old.

And then 3 months.

Christmas came and went.

4 months old.(Never mind the face, we had a hard time with shots)

He got a jump a roo thing at 4 months old. It soon became his favorite thing to do.

Along with the famous Bumbo (this one is a cheap knock off version, but it still worked.)

Became a pro at tummy time. Started 'army crawling'.

Started to really love the camera. Still will ham it up when I bring it out.

We bought a high chair, and he really loved that. Started eating cereal.

5 months old. ( I couldn't just choose one, sorry)

Our first self family portrait. (notice how different every ones eyes are?)

Creativity

6 months old, and angry Bear. FEEED me MAMA!

A Bear and his Bear.

Loves to make a beeline for my computer if left alone for 1.4 seconds.

Right around almost 7 months, he started to pull up on things.

A little Mom and Dad love.

7 months old.

We FINALLY got a crib. Daddy picked it out and everything. Bear loves his new bed.

Went to the zoo.

Takes baths in the sink now, still loves them.

8 months old. ( Scroll back to the 2 month shot...notice how he's grown?)

His wonderful hair.

All handsome.

Nomnomnomnomnom.

I can't believe 8 months have passed. I can't wait for the next 8. The next 8 years, the next 80 years. Well, ya know what I mean. He is the best.

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-11T20:25:00.001-07:00

Happy Mother's Day all you mommies!

What does being a mother mean?

Dictionary.com (which I frequent a lot) gives 35 results. Here are the top 19:
1. a female parent.
2. (often initial capital letter) one's female parent.
3. a mother-in-law, stepmother, or adoptive mother.
4. a term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent.
5. a term of familiar address for an old or elderly woman.
6. mother superior.
7. a woman exercising control, influence, or authority like that of a mother: to be a mother to someone.
8. the qualities characteristic of a mother, as maternal affection: It is the mother in her showing itself.
9. something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source.
10. (in disc recording) a mold from which stampers are made.
–adjective
11. being a mother: a mother bird.
12. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a mother: mother love.
13. derived from or as if from one's mother; native: his mother culture.
14. bearing a relation like that of a mother, as in being the origin, source, or protector: the mother company and its affiliates; the mother computer and its network of terminals.
–verb (used with object)
15. to be the mother of; give origin or rise to.
16. to acknowledge oneself the author of; assume as one's own.
17. to care for or protect like a mother; act maternally toward.
–verb (used without object)
18. to perform the tasks or duties of a female parent; act maternally: a woman with a need to mother.
—Idiom
19. mother of all, the greatest or most notable example of: the mother of all mystery novels.

What does being a mother mean to me?

It means sleepless nights, fun-filled days, tears, smiles, laughs, new beginnings, a fresh start, a blank canvas, a heart filled with love, that you didn't know you could have. It means thinking all day at work about your little man, at home, wondering what he is doing, if he is thinking of you when you are gone, if he is wondering where you are, if he is OK. Is he getting enough vitamins, enough love, is he warm enough, is he hot, is he sick, will that rash go away, do I stimulate him enough, is he smart, is he happy? Is the door locked, is his car seat in good, what would I do if I fell down the stairs, is he breathing?!! And on and on it goes.

For me, being a mother, means constant worry.

For me, being a mother, means...this emotion, that I can not name. It means tears springing to my eyes when I think of him. It means imagining him when he grows up, what he will be, what he won't be. It means thinking of all the wonderful things I want to show him from the red robin that is chirping outside the window, to the cold hard fresh snow, to the sandy warm beach. There is so much I want to do with Bear that I only pray that there is enough time in my life to show him everything.

Being a mother, to me, means a completeness. My heart is full. My heart is content. I love every second, every sleepless night, every worry, every tear, every laugh, every smile, every second.

Bear, thank you, for making me a Mommy. Thank you for choosing me.

Bear FTW.

2008-04-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

I have the best baby. Hands down. I think that is something that every parent thinks of their child. I truly believe it.

My son was not always the best. He wouldn't come out when he was due. He wouldn't even come out when they tried to help me help him come out. They had to go in and take him out. It was a big joke around my job, and with my friends that he was going to come out with a moustache and a tattoo. No one knew when his real due date was. The doctors gave me 4 different dates, and decided on the very last one as a birthday. I still think he is a month late. But oh well.

Why is my son the best baby? Well, he sleeps through the night. This happened at 3 weeks. And stopped around 12 weeks. Then started up again right around 17 weeks. He not only sleeps through the night, but I can put him down awake and he puts himself to sleep. He is a pretty ok napper. Going down about 3 hours after he wakes for the day. Speaking of that, he wakes at 7am the first time. He will play for 20 minutes and then go back to sleep for an hour, sometimes 2. I don't have any of the sleep issues that I read so often, from other mothers. I count my blessings.

Another reason my Bear is the best baby? He eats like a champ. He didn't have any issues with eating, that I hear horror stories of. He pretty much likes everything. Except peas. Or really anything green. Maybe he just doesn't like green things. But man, I have tried peas 4-5 times and he makes the same exact face when eating them. To be fair, I hate peas myself. I wonder if because I didn't eat any peas while he was in utero, if that is why he hates peas? Something else to ponder what I did wrong in my pregnancy.

Want another reason Bear is the best? He is, in strictly my opinion, far advanced when it comes to mobility. He is crawling, basically running on his hands and knees. He is pulling up to stand. He can get anywhere he wants. Wait, does that make him the best baby? I don't know. But I am proud. Frazzled, and worried about him hurting himself, but very proud.

The sweetest reason my Bear is the best? It doesn't matter how upset he is, if I just say "I love you", he stops crying, fussing, throwing a fit, and smiles at me. That smile is so precious. I just love it. That real, sweet smile that just melts my heart and makes everything all better. Nothing in life can ever compare to that.

I think Bear is going to be very smart. A lot smarter than Mom and Dad. Good thing, 'cause Mama can't be waiting on tables much longer.

If you can't tell, I am in total love with my Bear. I am thinking about him every second I am away from him. When I am with him, I am filled with this emotion, that I can't name, but it feels like completeness.

I know that every Mom, thinks their child is the best. I truly believe it. Why is yours the best?

6 months of Greatness

2008-04-29T13:31:00.000-07:00

Life catches up with ya...

2008-04-28T17:37:00.001-07:00

Wow. It's been a long time.

That's Motherhood, Wifelyhood, and Workerhood for you.

What have we been up to lately?

Bear is now almost 7 months old. He is crawling everywhere. Pulling to stand up on everything and everyone. He is completely and totally fearless. He will pull up on something and then if he sees something across the room that he wants, or somewhere else he wants to go; he doesn't sit down on his butt and crawl over there. NO! Not my boy. He likes to lunge across the room, thinking he can fly, I guess and fall over there. Now with this fearlessness, thankfully, we have a little boy who can get hurt and just shake it off.

Sometimes though he doesn't shake it off. And it turns into this....

and then this...

Good times.

Us.

2008-03-13T00:59:00.000-07:00

Average Day

2008-02-09T20:09:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me what I do all day long. Yeah so....

4:30- Bear wakes up, and starts to grunt, rooting around looking for the boob. Take him out of his pack and play which is right next to the bed, and nurse him in my bed. Perfect timing, cause I have to be up in 15 minutes.

4:45- Bear is all done nursing, slip him back in his pack and play and get up before the alarm wakes him up.

4:46- ahh shower....just stand there for 10 minutes. Quickly wash my hair, attempt to shave my legs ( speaking of which, whichever MAN (you know it was a man) who thought of the bright idea that women need to shave their legs should be shot), clean the drain twice, cause I'm losing my hair( preggo hormones finally leaving my body *sniff*)

5:09- get dressed from the bottom down, walk around the house in a bra, and go ahead and pump one more bottle for the day, sit down in front of my pc and look at my auctions on Ebay and check out Babycenter.

5:27- rush in to the bathroom- do my makeup/hair, attempt to look pretty.

5:45- leave the house, pray it's not raining.

5:55- arrive at work.

6:00- drink the coffee i just made at work, open the restaurant, well do all the restaurant duties to make it open. Make the tea, cut the lemons, get 31 water pitchers ready, put 31 jellies/creamers on the tables, make sure all the syrups are filled.

6:45- sit down and drink more coffee....this time decaf.... my brain knows the truth.

7:00- SHOW TIME. bust my ass for a while. being basically a slave to some ungrateful people. Most of the time the job is ok, but sometimes...ARRGH, you just want to tell people that they really don't need any more butter.

9:30- pump! get a dirty look from my manager. Ahh sweet chair, my feet hurt already today. Sneak a call home to see how everything is. Find out that Bear woke up at 7. Snicker to myself, hahah, no sleeping til 10 for you Will!

9:45-Back to work. Same old stuff over and over again. See some of my regular customers, see some new people. see some cute babies.

12:30- pump again. Sneak another call home, they must be taking a nap, there's no answer. Get mad at Will cause he gets to take a nap.

2:30- finally we are closed. day is over. do my sidework, cash out, sneak a call home, to see if we need anything from the grocery store, most of the time the answer is yes. usually pump again real quick, don't get all that much, but it works.

3:15- LEAVE! Run to the car, get in, lock the doors.

3:30- Grocery Store- Fight an old man for the last Ribeye steak. Look at all the flavors of beer. Pick up a Pete's Wicked Ale Strawberry Blonde, can't wait til bedtime.

3:50- get home. Get pissy about having to carry my purse, my pump, my groceries inside and up 3 flights of stairs. We really need to move.

3:54- HI BEAR!! Hi Will. Put everything away or leave everything in a pile for Will to clean up.

4:24-4:54 - Bear and I take a power nap.

5:00- dinner in the crockpot smells soooo yummy. Feed Bear. Nurses kind of fussily on both sides.

5:20-6:30- play with Bear, love on Bear, kiss Bear, hug Bear, love Bear. God he's so cute.

6:30- start picking up crap around the house, while holding Bear. get Jammies out and bath time stuff ready. Gonna try some bananas and cereal tonight.

6:45- Bear has mixed reactions to bananas. Has the cutest face. Loves the cereal. Gets fussy, so cut it short.

7:10- Bath time. Bear's favorite time of the day. Play in the tub, wash him, yawn a bunch.

7:30- Jammies, Massage, Hugs/Kisses, Read Goodnight Moon. Drink a bottle of formula. 8oz tonight, my little piggy was hungry. Falls asleep in my arms as soon as it is done. Take him to the bedroom, get a burp out and try to put him on the boob one last time.

8:00- He's out.

8:03- wash the dishes from the day, all my pump parts, sterilize the pump parts, get the pump ready for tomorrow.

8:20- Iron my shirt for tomorrow, lay out all my clothes, get ready!

8:30-Usually sit in front of my PC, blog, or as Will calls it, Blag, check Babycenter, email, respond where accordingly.

8:45- Eat dinner, while watching old episodes of Lost. We just recently got into Lost and I am in love. Started watching Season 1, while DVR'ing the current season, so no one tell me what is going on.

9:00- Pump usually, sometimes not. drink a beer. Yes I have one every night! Lost

10:30 time for bed.

and then do it all over again.

When is Tuesday? 3 more days!

What I Should Have Said...

2008-02-08T12:36:00.000-08:00

I made my Friday trip to the grocery store with Bear.

I got too much stuff as usual. I stood in line to load my stuff on the conveyor belt. A man was in front of me, buying all sorts of things. I knew he had a baby since he had baby food on the belt. He talked to me about Tommy, found out he had 2 small children who were in preschool and daycare. He was a really nice guy.

The cashier must have known him, she was all smiles and chatter with him. He finished checking out, and then it was my turn. He turned around, said Good bye to me, and Good luck. The cashier turned to me and it was like Jeckel and Hyde. She was not all smiles and chatter with me. She irritatingly asked me How I was and proceeded to check my groceries out. Asked me if I had a Safeway card, kind of threw it back at me. She proceeded to talk to another cashier who was just coming on, all smiles and chatter. WTF?!

She told me my total, I had the money already out and waiting, I always know how much everything is going to be. She was still turned around talking to the other cashier. Tommy was starting to get fussy. I stood there with my hand out for like 3 minutes waiting for her to take my money. I said nothing. But I turned my head to tend to my son.

When I felt her finally take the money, I turned around and she just had the change out in her hand as if she was waiting for me, for a long time. She had this look of disgust on her face, like I was wasting her time. Again I said nothing.

All my groceries are loaded up in my cart and I am ready to leave. I am waiting for my receipt and coupons from her when she starts to check out the next person.

I ask her if I could get my receipt and coupons and she looks at me as if I was a brand new person. WTF is this lady's problem, she rips them off the thingiee and throws them at me. I just shake my head at her and say nothing.

What I should have said, is "Lady, you need to find another job or something, because obviously customer service doesn't agree with you. I am sorry I am not a man that you can flirt with, I'm sorry that I am taking up too much of your time to check out my groceries, hand me my receipt and coupons or even smile at me. I am sorry your life sucks so much that you find it necessary to be rude to me, when I am a paying customer."

Instead I said nothing. And next Friday she will probably be there. But I have decided that if she's the cashier in the line I choose, I will wait in a different line!

Addictions

2008-02-08T08:37:00.000-08:00

I think I have a problem.

I think I am addicted to E-bay.

I go on there every day. Sometimes I wake up early, thinking, 'Have I won my bid today?' What if that one chick....I swear there's this one person that bids after me on everything I bid on. I want to strangle her. Maybe it's fun for her, to DRIVE ME CRAZY.

What do I bid on?

Lots of things. Bizarre books. Baby toys, Baby clothes, Dribblehappy Bibs, which by the way are the bestest bibs in the whole wide world. I just go to look at things that people sell. I just have to be on there every day.

I am also addcited to Babycenter. I have to be on there all the time. Will said to me the other night, 'Why don't you just marry that site?'

Sometimes the group of women I belong to, haven't even posted in a while, and then I just read the other posts on the main board. Some Mom's crack me up. I also go to other boards. Like boards of women that are going to have their babies next year. Women that are trying to conceive the following year. Boards of women that are pregnant right now and ready to have their babies. Did I really sound like that at 9 months? Surely not.

I am also addicted, but not as much so as before Bear came into our life, to the Black Death forums. This is a website dedicated to a guild I am still in. World of Warcraft. Ahh, how I miss thee. But it is almost impossible for me to be able to play this game and have fun. I played WoW almost religiously for 2+ years every day. I really really miss it.

I think I am addicted to my computer. If I didn't have it in my life, I think I would go insane. Computers are such wonderful tools. Such an outlet, such a window, such a necessity. We each have our own computer, and I spend a lot of time on mine. Forget sharing anything.

I think I am addicted to Tommy. I can't get enough of him. Well, OK maybe sometimes. But seriously I love his cheeks, I love his toes, I love his fingernails that are way too long, I love his hair, his smell, even when he farts, I just love him to pieces. He is currently sitting on my lap holding my hands that are typing. I am having to hit the backspace key about every 3 letters. But eh.

I was gonna say, I think I'm addicted to Mister Man. But, I'm currently mad at him so, I'm so over him right now. That story is a whole 'nother post. And I promised him I wouldn't bash him too much on here.

I think I'm addicted to cheese. Any kind of cheese. Cheddar, Jack, Swiss, Munster, Brie, Parmesan, Mozerella, I love it all. I eat cheese every day in some form. Even the cheese in a can in good.

Bear is growling, maybe it's nap time *crosses fingers*

Bear comes into our life...

2008-02-07T17:13:00.000-08:00

In August of 2006, I discovered I was pregnant. We weren't trying, but we weren't adverse to the idea. Mister Man and I had been together for going on 5 years, and it was time to either shit or get off the pot when it came to our relationship. We had talked about marriage and kids, and now, it was becoming a reality.

My first appointment was scheduled until October something. That day is a blur. I would have been 10 weeks. We were to get the dating ultrasound, and everything else they do at the first appointment. I went back alone at first, and my doctor, Dr. Starke asked me if I wanted to do the u/s without Will in the room first, just in case, everything wasn't as to be expected. I said no.

She did the u/s and we could see the little sac. What we could not see was a heartbeat. She looked at us matter of factly and said, maybe our dates were wrong and it was too soon. She told us to schedule an appointment in 2 weeks for another u/s. We did this. This was a Monday. In my heart, I wasn't sure. I wanted to believe that everything was ok. But deep down I knew something was wrong.

Thursday, I started bleeding. Not just a regular bleeding, but a deathly amount. It was scary. I called and canceled the appointment and let them know that my miscarriage was happening. Nothing much was said. I bled for 19 days. And finally had to go in and have a D&C done to remove everything. It wasn't all that bad, but I felt that something inside of me had died. Well, in fact it did. Our baby.

They did a pathology on the fetus, embryo? And it came back that it was a molar pregnancy. I was told to not try to conceive for at least a year. I was heartbroken. This baby was not planned, but this baby was wanted. I very much wanted to have a baby. This only intensified my feelings.

In January, on my birthday, Will and I had fun, lol. And after we were done, I said to Will, I'm pregnant. He laughed and was like Yeah right. Sure enough I was.

I hadn't been keeping track of my periods, but I did not have one in December or January. They gave me a tentative due date of October 4th. Then at the dating u/s they gave me a due date of September 28. Later my doctor, unofficially changed it to September 21, or the 14th. Eventually they settled on the 21st.

I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy. No morning sickness. My 20 week u/s showed that we were having a boy. We knew we were going to name our first son after Mister Man's father, whom had died when he was 10. Thomas William. Tommy.

I worked, waiting on tables til my 37th week. I just couldn't take the 8 hours on my feet any longer. Then I just sat at home and did nothing. We had a couple times that I thought I was in labor, only to make the walk of shame home. At 37 weeks, I was dilated 5 centimeters, with no contractions. I had my membranes stripped twice at 39 weeks. Things weren't just progressing.

Sept 14 came and passed, September 21st and 28th came and passed. I had an induction date set for October 4th. My original due date. Imagine that. By now, I had gained an amazing 70 pounds, and I was ready to have this baby. I was plagued with restless nights, and the most horrible heartburn you can imagine.

So October 4th, was a Thursday. I was scheduled to go in at 8pm. We arrived 15 minutes before. Checked in and was told I would have to wait out in the waiting room as there was no beds available for me. So out we sat in the waiting room. I had a book, Mister Man had his PSP. We waited until 2am. They had told us we could go home, but I was not guaranteed a spot. At 2am the charge nurse came out and told me they were ready for me! SHOW TIME!!

Got back in the back, got prepped, peed in a cup, got hooked up to an IV. Started the Pitocin. Around 4am, I started feeling umcomfortable. I was still at 5cm, no change. Got Fetanyl. Took the pain away for like an hour. At 6am, I was ready for the epidural. I am no hero, I did not want to have a natural childbirth. Screw all that noise.

The epidural guy came in around 7am. He was a heavy set Asian man, described to me what he was going to do. I made the mistake of asking him if he was good at his job. Jinxed myself right there. He had to poke me 2 times to get the epidural to work. Mister Man almost passed out. But once it was in and working, ahh sweet relief. I actually took a nap. Watched the contractions on the monitor and amazed myself at how hard they looked. Mister Man's mom was there, and she kept saying over and over how relaxed I was. Yeah it's amazing what a spinal block can do for anxiety.

Well, all that ended around 11am. I started feeling pain on my right side. I called Hillary in, which I might add, wins the award for being the best nurse ever, to see if she could help me turn over and maybe get the epidural working on my right side. I was on my right side for about 20 minutes, epidural not working yet, when she rushes in and says that the baby's heart rate has dropped considerably and I need to flip back over to my left side again and see if it increases. As soon as I flip over his heart rate comes back up. Dammit!

So I labor on that side, basically feeling everything. Around 1pm, they break my water to see if that will help me progress. I still have yet to dilate any further. I am still 5cm. I am still in the most horrible pain I have ever imagined. I beg to flip back over to get it working. They have put in a new bolus of epidural in to see if this helps a little bit. I flip over and immediately his heart rate drops. DAMMIT! I get another shot of fetanyl. Doesn't even touch the pain this time. Around 3pm, I get another cervix check, STILL 5 CM! OMG! What is wrong with my body. The contractions are right on top of each other, no break in between. Will is somehow managing to SLEEP in the chair. WTF!?

Around 4pm it gets a little hazy here... Mister Man's mom runs out of the room, yelling something. I learn later that Tommy's heart rate had dropped to the 40s. And she was yelling for them to do something. All the sudden there is 20 people in my room. One small doctor who doesn't look older enough to be delivering babies, speaks softly to me among all the chaos that is going on.

She tells me that it is time to have Tommy. Things aren't going as well, 14 hours now and I haven't progressed 1 cm on the Pitocin, the epi isn't working, and Tommy's heart rate keeps dropping. They want to do a C-Section.

OF COURSE! The one part of 'What to Expect...' that I didn't read, because, me thinking, that will never happen to me.

They take the pit down, they give me a shot of Terbutaline, to stop my labor, to increase his heart rate and wheel me out of the room to the OR. This is an emergency. Talk about scared. I am shaking uncontrollably. I can't find Mister Man anywhere. I get into the OR, and my labor has stopped. No more contractions, no more pain, Tommy is ok. It is not an emergency anymore. Whew! Now, Mister Man can come in and maybe see his son be born. I reach over to talk to a nurse to tell Mister Man to not forget the camera.

The ana(not even gonna try and spell that word) drug guy works on me to get my epidural working, and I can still feel everything. Later I learn that they give me enough epidural for a 450lb man. I am so heavy and dead that I am having a hard time breathing. Ok, it's time to have the baby. They let Mister Man in, and he looks so scared. He comes over to me and all I can think about is the camera. He forgot it. I cried a little.

They begin. I was in and out of it, listening to them, feeling lots of weird things. Mister Man stood up and watched the whole entire thing. My boyfriend, who refuses to squish spiders watched them cut me open and take our son out.

When they finally got to Tommy, it seemed like forever, I felt this huge amount of pressure, and out he came. I heard his little cry, and broke down myself. That was the sweetest thing I had ever heard.

5:03pm he came into the world, weighing 8 pounds 9.9 ounces, measuring 20 inches long. I was later told that he was sunny side up, and all cock-eyed coming out, I would have never been able to push him out they said.

Recovery went really well. I was ready to leave the hospital at the end of the first day, and got to go home at the end of the second day. I was up and doing laundry by day 5. Yeah, I'm a trooper. Actually, I can't stand tons of laundry.

And life will never be the same.

Roofers Suck!

2008-02-07T13:38:00.000-08:00

All day long all I hear is the banging of the Roofers.

ALL DAY LONG.

How long can it possibly take to fix a roof? They have been at it since Monday. On Tuesday, I think they wanted to end their day early and started the banging at 6:30 am. Bear can not nap, and I think I am losing my mind.

Bang Bang Bang. Stomping on the roof, the yelling in Spanish from the roof to the ground. The throwing of stuff on the roof. BANG BANG BANG.

I seriously am going to go outside and cuss them out. But they probably won't understand me and just bang louder on my area of the roof.

I am tempted to just leave and rent a room somewhere until this madness is over.

Oh and I think I know why Bear is sleeping through the night. He won't take a nap. He is really over tired and needs to nap, longer than 10 minutes, but he won't. I can't get anything done, ie- my internet searching, etc, my online shopping, my BBC posting, my blogging. I'll do the laundry when he wakes up and Mister Man can watch him.

Speaking of that...when do I get a day off? I work 5 days a week, and come home and am on baby duty as soon as I walk in the door. I really don't mind all that much, but it gets kind of old, that as soon as Mister Man wakes up he goes to his PC, or his PSP and gets to do whatever he wants. I even let his ass sleep in. I NEVER get to sleep in. How is that fair? Is that just life with a baby, and being a Mom?

I read something today about a woman who was concerned that she was losing too much weight Breastfeeding. I wish I had that problem. I wish that breastfeeding caused me to lose any weight at all. All it does it make me ravenously hungry all the time.

Ooh....I think he finally went to sleep....oh wait here comes the banging....nope he's awake. I hate those guys! I hate them, I hate them, I hate them.

Bear's Corner.

2008-02-07T10:11:00.001-08:00

This week has been a busy week. On Tuesday, we went to have his 4 month checkup. He weighed in at 14 pounds 1.1 ounces, measuring 25 1/4 inches tall. That puts him in the 34% for his weight, 64% for his height. Bear is such a mover and shaker, that the doctor seems to think he will be crawling around before he is 6 months old. Lord help us. He is a really strong baby, and can focus on the smallest of things. The doctor gave us the go ahead on solids, and we tried some Rice Cereal last night. Bear didn't think too much of it, so I think we will wait a little longer to give it to him all the time.

Today we are going to the Build-A-Bear workshop to build Bear's 4 month bear. It has now become a tradition, that every time he gets shots we get him a Bear. I think this time he will like it even more than last time.

Since he has gotten his shots he has been sleeping through the night. I really hope it's not a fluke and this is to stay. Last night he slept 8-1, woke, ate, and then slept til 9. Tuesday night, he slept 8-5, woke, ate and then slept til 9. I'll take sleep however it comes.

Try my hand...

2008-02-06T23:40:00.000-08:00

Figured I'd try my hand at this stuff.

Where to start? At the beginning, yar? Ok, which beginning?

Let's start with how I met Mister Man, the love of my life. When my life truly started.

I used to play this video game called Everquest. Great game, the first of its kind really. A fun MMORPG. For you lingo unsavvy out there, that means Massive Multi-player Online Role-Playing Game. I had this really crappy E-Machine computer that I used to play on, with the standard video card. How did I play on that thing, I'll never know. Anyhow....

I leveled my character, Amitey, a dark elf warrior, up and up and up. I joined this guild, group of others that play the game and look for companionship, I guess, called Lex Invictus. I met a boy named Rushian. Rushian was a wizard, and a lot higher level than I. He also was in close with the 'officers' of the guild. Synnovea, the guild leader, even! He was waaaay too cool for me. Rushian made another character and named him Cygnusx-One. A blond haired bard that my character immediately fell in love with.

Cygnusx and I talked all the time. We became really close. He helped level my character Maisy up. We hung out all the time. I was falling in love with this man I had never spoken to, this character on this video game. And one day I told him.

I think he was shocked. I think he wasn't sure what was going on, but I think he kind of loved me too. You don't spend the kind of time that we spent with eachother and not fall in love. We talked on the phone. He has this amazingly sexy deep voice that I will never forget how it sounded the first time we talked. Things weren't that great with my living situation, and we talked about me coming out to California. I lived in Texas at the time.

SO! One day after work, I quit my job, cashed my paycheck. Packed up all my stuff. Went to the Greyhound station, bought a ticket. Rode the bus from Witchita Falls, Texas to San Jose, California. 4 days on a bus. With no shower. Yeah, fun. The last 50 miles of the trip I was soooo nervous, I ground my teeth the whole way. By the time we got there, my jaw hurt.

I was set to arrive at the bus station at 5:20am. We were 10 minutes early. I had changed on the bus to some clean clothes and tried to 'freshen up' as much as a bus bathroom allows you to do so. The 10 minutes extra I had were awesome because I had time to actually brush my teeth and wash my face before he showed up.

I sat down on my bags waiting for him. He was almost 5 minutes late. Was he coming? I was the last person waiting there. A car pulled up, and in walks a tall, thin man. Was this him? Who else could it be? It had to be him. I didn't get up from where I was sitting. He walked over to me...mind you, I had never even seen a picture of Will. We had only talked on the phone, half a dozen times. He smiled at me, and said "Chell?" I smiled back and stood up, and asked "Aren't you going to hug me?" He pulled me into his arms, and we embraced and I felt him shaking. He was as nervous as I was!

And so began our life. I didn't, at first, plan to stay forever. I don't know what I had planned. But here we are.